Not allowed
Liam
O’Donnell lay in his bed across town, doing his own avoidance routine. He
listened to the sounds of his roommate Trevyn getting ready for work, and
wondered what the odds were that Trevyn would say anything about last night if
Liam were to emerge from his hole.
Last
night. It seemed like a good idea at the time. A text blast: hey, Beta Radio’s
playing downtown tonight, who’s in? It was a week night, but only a few bowed
out due to early morning work commitments. Liam had gotten to the bar early,
grabbed a drink and sat in the back with his laptop, finishing up some
freelance work that was due in a couple of days. A couple of hours later, he
glanced up from the screen as he saved his progress and saw Holly walk in the
door. Her long, burnished gold hair hung loose around her shoulders. Liam
thought she must have come straight from work, since she was wearing a soft
orange sweater, tailored gray skirt, and heels, rather than her usual jeans and
flip flops. Of
course, she looked amazing, whatever she was wearing.
He
watched as she stood in the back for a moment, glancing around the bar. A
column and the back of the booth blocked Liam from her view, and he debated
standing up and waving to her. Things between them since the breakup were
usually fine, but definitely more fine in a group of people. Plus, if she
couldn’t see him, he could watch her unguarded.
A
big table close to the stage opened up, and Holly made her way there to snag
it. Just as she was draping her jacket over the back of a chair, the bar door
opened again and Trevyn and Elaine walked in, laughing loudly. They waved at
Holly and made their way to her, Trevyn gesturing grandly, Elaine still
giggling. Trevyn did tell the best stories. Liam stayed put,
watching as a few more friends arrived. He watched Holly laughing and hugging
everyone, watched as they all ordered drinks and a few ordered food, most
having come from work since the show was pretty early. He saw Holly
continually glancing around, and Liam told himself that maybe she was looking
for him. But he knew, as her gaze occasionally paused on a good looking guy
here and there, that she was looking for someone new. Fresh. Different. Holly
was a dater – she liked having fun, and she liked to do it with new people. She
went on a lot of first dates. Liam and Holly had dated for two months, and it
was the longest she’d ever been with the same person.
Eventually,
Liam packed away his laptop, slung his bag across his chest, and walked toward
his friends. He was greeted with the usual hellos and hugs and backslaps.
“I
thought you were getting off early,” Trevyn said, mouth full of chicken nachos.
“Where’ve you been?”
Liam
patted his bag. “Had some freelance work to finish. Deadline.”
“Well,
there are no more nachos for you. You’re out of luck.”
“I’ll
survive,” Liam said drily. Trevyn was a bit of a health nut. He played
basketball in a weekly game with work buddies, and was in a flag football
league. Six-pack abs, rock hard arms…the works. He had a kind of young Idris
Elba thing going on, and he joked that he had to eat healthy to keep up
appearances. But he had a weakness for nachos. Well, nachos and Britt’s donuts,
but at least you could only get those nine months out of the year.
Liam
hung his bag over the back of his chair and asked the waitress who’d just
arrived for another pint. He leaned back in his chair and looked around the
round six-top, at which eight of his friends were crowded around. Trevyn,
Elaine, and Mike sat closest to the table, Trevyn and Mike polishing off their
nachos while Elaine ate a burger and fries. Then there was Chris, Trina,
Hannah, Hannah’s friend Brent, and of course Holly. All of them except Brent
had been friends since their freshman year at UNCW. All Yankees lured South by the promise of beautiful beaches and warm
weather. Trevyn and Liam had been friends since junior high, and neighbors in a
small town in Wisconsin. They'd met Mike and Chris on move-in day. Mike came from Indiana, and Chris from Ohio.
They’d all bonded over
a love of Mountain Dew and Pepsi (an enigma in North Carolina’s Coke and Sun
Drop crowd), and braved the freshman waters together. Trevyn met Elaine and
Hannah in his biology class their first semester, and when the six of them started hanging out, they’d brought along Trina and Holly, fellow Midwestern
buddies from their orientation group.
After
the initial – it’s so nice to have met people with the same taste in
music/movies/books/food – there was a brief period of awkwardness where nearly
everyone fumbled through some almost hookups, before deciding that they were
all better off as a group of friends. Of course, Holly and Liam broke that
unspoken code, but that was many years later so the breakup didn’t have quite
the same effect it could have in college.
And
then they’d all stayed, gotten jobs, moved in. The beach town had delivered on
its promises, and no one had wanted to shovel feet of snow every winter or give
up year-round access to the beach. It was a pretty common occurrence in
Wilmington – come for a degree, stay forever. Bugged the locals, but it helped
keep the economy going.
“Hey,
gorgeous.” Liam caught a whiff of gardenia perfume as Holly slid into the chair
next to me and gave me a hug.
“Hey
there,” Liam replied. “How was work today?”
She
made a face. “Let’s not talk about that. The newest professor is completely
full of himself.”
Holly had an art history fellowship through UNC Chapel Hill
that allowed her to work at UNCW as a adjunct while doing research on her
dissertation. She’d been afraid that she’d have to move after she’d been
accepted, but the committee had agreed to let her work under one of the
professors in Wilmington and just drive to Chapel Hill once a week for meetings
and lectures.
Liam
raised an eyebrow. “More so than the rest of them?”
Holly
smacked his arm. “Yes! Don’t be mean. How about you?” she asked. “How was your
day?”
“Long,”
he replied. “Mostly client meetings. Dave likes to schedule them all in one
day, because he hates himself and the rest of us.”
Holly
laughed. “Poor thing. Well, what are you working on right now?”
Liam
told her about his projects, noticing as he did that while Holly was certainly
listening – commenting and asking questions – her eyes kept up their constant
scan of the bar. It was the first thing that started coming between them when
they were dating: Liam getting hurt at her seeming innatention. He remembered
several fights during evenings out. It still bugged him a little, but he knew
he had no right to ask her to stop. Instead, he just cut his work commentary short.
Before
too long, everyone was talking with everyone else, but Liam felt like he could
only half concentrate on the conversation because the other half of him was
acutely aware that Holly’s chair had migrated closer and closer to his. That
her left side was pressed against his right side as she leaned into the group’s
conversation, gesturing to make a point. She laughed at something Brent said –
Liam hadn’t heard the joke – leaning even more into Liam, her left arm now
resting across his back. He wondered if he could shrug her off without making a
scene, maybe get up and go to the bathroom. But as he was wondering this, the band took the stage, and the low bar lights got a bit lower. Liam felt stuck.
He didn’t want to get up now, he didn’t want to make a scene – and extracting
himself from Holly would do that, he knew from experience – but his nerve
endings were lit up, and he wasn’t allowed to feel that way anymore.
The
band was fantastic, as usual, and Liam tried to concentrate on the music. Not
on the smell of gardenias, or the silk of Holly’s hair against his jaw as she
rested her head on his shoulder. Not on the feel of her skin as she wrapped her
arm around his. He caught a few of his friends eyeing him, Trevyn giving him a
pointed look that said buddy, just pull
out, you’re embarrassing yourself.
As if it was that easy. It should have been that easy. And no, when the music
was over and everyone stood up to head home – work night after all – he should
have followed Trevyn out the door. Not said “Okay” when Holly said “I’m wired!
Let’s go walk along the water.” Not let her wrap her arm around his waist as
they walked out the door and along the boardwalk. It’s not that he didn’t enjoy
her company as they walked mostly silent along the moonlit river. It’s that he
enjoyed it too much. That when he walked her to her car and said goodnight, all
he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and kiss her senseless. And that
wasn’t allowed anymore.
