One of the reasons I journal, and one of the reasons I blog is that it helps get the running commentary out of my head when my head just gets too crowded. Basically, it's an alternative to talking to imaginary friends. And when you're currently spending hours a day feeding a newborn, you end up with a lot of thoughts running through your head...of course you also end up with not a lot of energy/hours in the day to write, but we do what we can.
So, yes, newborn. Baby boy, name: Matrim (short "a", like Mat). Not a common name, you're right, but you might recognize it from the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. We're a book loving family. He's quite a cutie, mostly cheeks and lips and wrinkled forehead. Definitely a keeper.
Bringing a new baby home has reminded me that there's only so much preparation one can do for a huge life change. I know that having a newborn and 17 month old will be a challenge and completely change our routine. But there's only so much I can do to prepare for that. I can what-if myself all day long, but at the end of the day anything involving another human being (no matter how tiny) involves a lot of wait-and-see-then-adapt-and-adjust. Some days that's easier than others.
I read an excerpt from Jen Hatmaker's new book For the Love (which...note to self: buy soon) in which she talks about the freedom of 40. And one of the things she has found about turning 40 is less need to justify or excuse one's choices. That really spoke to me, especially as I daily wonder if I'm doing "enough." Women around the world know the struggle to stay out of the comparison game. To feel like every other woman is judging your choices, or judging how competent/not-competent you are. It's definitely a mom thing, but not exclusively -- I felt the need for validation long before I became a mama. One of my life goals is to live free and confident and comfortable with myself. I don't want to wait until I'm 40.
One thing I've learned since the first baby, is how much better I felt the first time I did something that felt normal or routine or part of life that's beyond diapers and milk. So I've been quicker to get dressed in the morning, and we went to church last week, and if I have 30 magical minutes when both kids are napping I might spend 10 of them reading a chapter in a book and 20 of them taking a power nap. Of course, doing normal every-day things is pretty much a necessity this time around with a toddler running around needing to be fed and changed and loved on too. But it's helped mentally and emotionally.
And speaking of reading chapters in books, I felt like a comfort read lately, and am filling that need with some Anne Shirley and Avonlea. I made my way through Anne of Green Gables pre-delivery, and am currently enjoying Anne of Avonlea. It's almost making up for the current lack of coffee in my life. (almost)
So here we are. New reality that changes daily. Beautiful moments and really, really hard moments. Plenty of laughter and cuddles and plenty of tears (not always from the babies either...let's be real). But we press on, grateful for God's grace, family, friends, and always remembering the sage words of Anne Shirley: each day is new, with no mistakes in it yet.